This site usually focuses on the financial side of negotiation. As it should…the “bottom line” refers to money for a reason.
But negotiation involves so much more than money, and it touches upon almost every area of our lives–whether we realize it or not. Almost anything is negotiable–and that includes a lot of decisions within a marriage.
How often do we hear someone say, “marriage is all about compromise.” And so it is, but isn’t compromise just another word for negotiation?
Let’s go out on a bit of a limb and consider negotiation within the context of a marriage (we’ll use the word marriage for ease of use, but this can refer to any romantic relationship).
Now, I’m not professing to be a marriage therapist, so this post is going to focus more on what can be negotiated within a marriage rather than providing specific negotiation techniques. That said, loyal readers of this blog should be aware that most of the techniques we generally discuss (including “do your research”, i.e. know the person you’re dealing with) can likely be used in negotiating within the marriage setting.
Negotiating Chores
Is there anything worse than divvying up chores in a marriage? No matter what, each party is almost always convinced they’re getting stuck with the worst tasks. Chores can include everything from changing diapers, to cleaning the toilet, or visiting the in-laws. Perhaps you’ll decide to alternate chores around the house. You might also allow each person to perform their roles according to who is better at performing each task, along a set routine, or old-fashioned as it may be, even along traditional gender roles. That said, almost any chore can be negotiable.
Money
It can be tough to determine who gets to splurge on themselves and when. Some spouses are more accepting of their spouse making a purchase without getting to purchase something equal for themselves than others. Perhaps you’ll be more accepting of your husband buying season tickets to his favorite team, if he agrees to take over making the bed each morning. Or perhaps you will both agree to give up a costly vice and instead put that money towards your retirement.
Without realizing it, a lot of our financial decisions within a marriage involve give and take. In other words, negotiation.
Time (Allocating Time)
Another, more limited resource is our time. For example, when your wife wants to go out with her friends, some husband’s may be upset about not being in their wife’s company that night. As a wife, now is your time to start selling the beauty of a concurrent “guys night out” for your husband.
Or, perhaps you can negotiate taking a less time-demanding (and lower salaried) job by stressing the additional time you’ll have available to spend with your children and your spouse.
Major Decisions
What to name your child. What type of dog breed to purchase. Whether you really need to put in a patio out back. What sports and activities you should sign your daughter up for.
These are all examples of important–and yes, negotiable–decisions. For example, “we can use your favorite first name for our daughter if you let me pick the middle name.” ”We’ll go with your favorite dog breed if I get to choose the dog breed next time.” “We can put in a new patio if you allow us an extra six months to save up for it.”
Every time a major decision comes up there will likely be some give and take.
Ideals
Is smoking acceptable around the children (or at all). How much positive reinforcement should we use with our children? Do we want to stress academics or sports with our children, and to what extent?
Our ideals and values are generally not 100% the same–even though we’re married to each other. The give and take in making decisions can, and likely will benefit from, negotiation.
The Little Things
What television show to watch. What to have for dinner. Whether to spring for cable or not. Will we stock Coke or Pepsi. Again, almost every decision can touch upon elements requiring some negotiation. A healthy marriage is generally rich in compromise and negotiation. It’s not about taking advantage of your spouse–but rather learning how to negotiate, communicate, and compromise in a mutually beneficial manner.
How do you negotiate in your marriage?
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